Why Abuse Made Me Emotionless
It hurt at first, so much so that I always curled up in a ball hoping I wouldn’t wake up the next day. Though it wasn’t always like this. In the beginning, as you grow up, you can’t tell the difference between somebody who treats you wrong or treats you right.
Someone hurting you when you’re a kid could brainwash you by feeding you lies like “it’s because I love you, I want the best for you,” and because of that we blindly follow their leads. Not everybody can escape this tragic route of being abused, it’s hard to detect and hard to break free from.
So, as much as I would love to deny it, many people get stuck in that never-ending cycle. But, I found myself being opened to the fact that I wasn’t even safe in my own home.
It was summer 2019 when my parents locked me up in the house while taking my phone away for a month. The only time I had left the house was supervised by them and it was NOT a pretty sight. After I got my phone back I knew in my guts that what was happening to me just wasn't normal anymore, I mean how come this hadn't happened to any of my friends? So through the power of the internet, I did research and the first thing I typed was all the characteristics that my mother and father had shown, and of course, the first thing that popped up was “narcissistic parents.”
A post came up linked to Reddit so I automatically clicked and read the very long confession. The one thing that struck me was that the person mentioning they were planning to leave. Leave? How's that possible? Are people allowed to leave and never talk to their families? Was that something even I could do? So my sixteen-year-old self went into a complete life shock. I know it seems unbelievable that I never thought I could cut contact with my family, but I just never believed I could. We were such a traditional family with extreme religious values that had completely stopped me from thinking rationally. I was brainwashed with all kinds of ideologies, it was terrifying.
From then on the mental and physical abuse, I had to endure was so bad that it had left me numb. The same cycle repeating and repeating. I would cry at first, maybe even hate myself, thought of suicide, or just every negative response you would assume anybody would have when enduring such a situation.
When I realized it was pointless.
One day a small argument broke down which led me to slam my door really loudly. Because of this, my father got extremely angry and followed me into the room. You might already expect what happened next. Over and over again he laid his hands on me, all I could do was yell stop. But soon after it stopped I started laughing. I looked at him as I laughed and could see his helpless expression as he was appalled at my reaction to being hit.
That was when I realized that whatever happens over and over, nothing would change yet, except me. So I did what I had to, learned to be a stone. No more reactions, or crying in front of them ever. No more being helpless or feeling pathetic. With this, as time went by, I became emotionless to abuse.
Although this wasn't the only thing that was useful for me, I realized I could just apply it to everything and anything. People's words stop hurting me, ignoring people became easier, and most importantly I learned to block out everything from my system.
Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I don't cry anymore or have become a robot. I do have my occasional crying sessions at night and it definitely didn't stop me from being the compassionate and loving person I was before all that went down. If not it made me stronger and even more empathetic. Whatever experience it is, good or bad I have learned to take it all to my advantage, as should you. After all, we are here to create our life, not look for it.
